Right now, I’m reading a book where the woman finds out she’s pregnant with twins. The author, Emily Giffin, is such an amazing storyteller that she had me feeling all maternal, and I’m nowhere near being pregnant. She discusses the babies’ first kick, the pregnancy glow, the feelings Darcy has about pregnancy. I was reading last night before I did my nighttime devotional and I paused to look into the future: how many kids will I have? Who will I share that with? I literally cannot even begin to fathom those parts of my life, which is weird to me because I know so many people who are engaged, getting married or are married that are my age. Obviously someone my age is capable of knowing who they want to marry, we are all adults now, but it’s bizarre to me because I’m so deep into career mode that I can’t see past this phase of my life and on to the next one. Then again, who can? However, I fully believe that while you may not be able to see how your life is going to pan out, you can be certain that specific people will be a part of it, regardless of where you are or what you’re doing.
Like any other 23-year-old who isn’t married, I am terrified to be a mother. I remember having a dream a few months back about giving birth and I woke up before the whole contraction thing started. Thank goodness. I mean, you are expected to take care and guide this other human being’s LIFE. I really hope I am not a neurotic mom. My mother always tells me she never thought she’d have kids and that she didn’t think she’d be a good mom, so this gives me some solace because the woman raised me and my brother flawlessly. But reading this book is starting to terrify me, mostly because this character is going through pregnancy without her family or a husband.
Yet I think about the exciting parts too! Like deepening the bond with my (future) husband. I don’t think there is probably anything more special that realizing you and your spouse are having a baby. That’s really exciting to me, maybe exciting enough to keep me from being terrified of child birth.
Anyway, this children thing got me thinking: I will never have an “odd” amount of children. If I have one kid, you can bet I’m having two. If a third one pops up, my honey better be ready for #4, because I am not having middle-child syndrome in my home. I know that’s stereotypical, but I don’t want it to even be an option. So no. And God forbid I have a fifth child (which begs the question why I wouldn’t have gotten my tubes tied or my uterus removed at this point), I will have a sixth. My own personal Brady Bunch. It sounds pretty miz and I can only hope that if that is God’s will in my life that I am making at least seven figures a year. (Seriously God. I’m begging you: six kids = seven figures.)
While this post might be a “why the hell are you telling us this?” post, it’s a good reminder that none of us have any idea about the future and what’s to come, but with God’s will we are able to move forward. I know that in a few years my perspective on children and a family will have made a complete 180 form where I’m at now because God will have sanctioned that part of my life to happen at that time, not before or after it was meant to be.
Kirbie Johnson 