MALENTINA VITZKAT


MALENTINA is Val’s nickname if she’s being a weirdo (which is 99% of the time). This is an endearing quality of hers so I don’t make too much of a fuss about it. However, her weirdo-ness has turned into straight up dumba$$-ness because she’s attempting The Master Cleanse.

For those of your who don’t know, well, first of all you’re smart. Because hearing about this so-called “diet” will ruin your life – the results are said to be great for your mind, body and soul and you could lose up to 14 pounds doing it. Not to mention Beyonce did this so you know everyone is going crazy to try it. However, basically all you can do is drink this “lemonade” that is concocted of cayenne pepper, maple syrup, 8 oz. of water and half of a lemon. Don’t worry, after drinking at least six glasses a day of this crap you can also drink a ton of water, mint tea and you’re mandated to also drink laxative tea ‘fore you go to bed. Great, I’ll make sure I use the potty before I go to sleep, don’t want to encounter whatever kind of bomb will be going off.
So I told Val that she won’t be able to last past a day and half. Basically Friday at noon she’s going to break down and die of starvation. And let me just say that this “diet” claims that you’ll be really, really, REALLY hungry and then you’ll get into a blissful state, much like people who are right about to die feel.
Go ahead and keep track of her progress at http://www.olivevalentina.tumblr.com. Maybe my negativity will encourage her to go the distance, however I am not too thrilled with the fact that she’ll probably be a major biotch when the hunger pains set in.
Best of luck, Malen.
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