After the catastrophe that was Sex and the City 2, I started to ponder the goings-on of the fab four. If I believed everything I saw in the show, and therefore had no brain, common sense or dignity, the following would be concluded:
- You can grow up to write a sex column for the local newspaper and somehow manage to afford a spacious one-bedroom apartment in the heart of NYC, go to brunch every Sunday (through Saturday?) and any pair of Jimmy Choo or Manolo Blahnik you can get your hands on.
- Want to sleep with every Tom, Dick and Harry you run into? Do it. Because you can. And you won’t even get HIV, a la Samantha.
- Change yourself for men. Your husband wants you to change your religion? DO IT. Your husband cheats on you? It’s your fault anyway because you work hard as a lawyer and are irritated when you get home, so you might as well suck it up and forgive him for the greater good of the family. While you’re at it, apologize to him as well. It’s your fault, really.
- Men take everything literally, so be careful. Miranda’s “don’t get married” statement to Big managed to persuade him to leave Carrie at the altar.
- The one who got away? He’ll return into your life and even though he appears to be the best guy you ever had, he’s probably a big creep who will kiss you on an exotic vacation while both of you are married and he has three children. (Still bitter about this. WHY Aiden, WHY?!)
- That guy who was an asshole that you married? He still is. Why does anyone like Big? I’m convinced that SATC is for women with Daddy issues. Big is a terror who wreaks havoc on Carrie’s life. I don’t know any woman who would be able to forgive a man leaving her at the bloody altar. I’ve heard of cold feet, but this is straight up ridiculous! Maybe he was just terrified of the credit card bills she’d rack up, but still, be a man! Grow some balls! Back to the asshole thing — recommending that, as a married couple, you two spend two days out of the week living in separate apartments is called a RED FLAG. No bueno. If you guys wanted space, you could have been in a committed relationship without receiving a marriage certificate and rock that costs as much as car on your finger.
- Granted, if some chick was bitching at me about watching TV in the bedroom, I’d probably want out as well.
- However, gentlemen, don’t gift your wife a TV in the bedroom for your anniversary unless she specifically asked for it. We know you really bought it so you can watch ESPN all night long and have another reason to pretend like you’re listening but really be catching this weekend’s highlights.
- Lastly, if you’re delusional enough, you can date a guy, break up, get back together, he can then move away to a different continent, move back, MARRY ANOTHER WOMAN, have an affair with you making you subsequently have an affair with the best-guy-ever-turned-creeper-later-in-life, “break up” again or whatever you want to call it, then he can fly to Paris and sweep you off your feet and then propose. See ladies. True love prevails. Or something to that effect.